Crimes of FASHION- Summer Edition

Posted on May 24, 2009

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Summer is the season of fun in the sun , barbecues, fireworks, and love.  It is also a season most notorious for crimes of fashion! It’s an innate impulse to want to strip down to the barest of essentials when the temperature hits 80 degrees and above but we must not lose our minds.

The following are 5 cruel crimes summer fashion faux pas.

#5 TERRIBLE TOES

 

 

mqagqhogThis picture was chosen on purpose to put the fear of God into you.  I can’t stress enough how important it is to keep your feet looking fabulous at all time but ESPECIALLY in the summer. One of the most unattractive things in the world is a woman with cracked ,caked heels and hammer toes walking around in strapy sandals. Taking care of your feet doesn’t mean spending lot of money in the salon. It would be another crime to subject anyone to handle fungal feet. I am a believer in home manicures.  They are cheap and fairly easy to do and you don’t have to worry about people making fun of your funky feet in a foreign language.

#4 Find a Bathing-suit that FITS

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Seriously Ladies for the LOVE take #4 straight to the heart. It is a borderline abomination to see the countless numbers of women on the beaches strutting around in bathing-suits and bikinis that are way to small for them. 

Please remember that the beach is a PUBLIC place where people are to have a good time. Don’t go ruining it for them.. No one packs a cooler full of goodies with their friends and families to come to the beach to see  jiggly breasts, thighs, and all types of  flesh action spilling out of unforeseen places. Not only is it one of the most unsexy things a woman can do; it’s just the type of fashion crime that may induce vomiting.

# 3 Sweat Stains

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Ladies I know when it hits 80, 90, 100 degrees the heat can be unbearable. I’m well aware that sweating is a normal humanly function HOWEVER if you suffer from excessive sweating then it would be wise to avoid certain materials that aren’t breathable. For example if you know you exude the borderline doo-doo brown colored sweat that stains your shirts no matter how many times you dry clean them PLEASE DON’T wear Spandex, Lycra, Silk, Denim or basically any other fabric EXCEPT “the fabric of our lives ” 100% cotton.  You may also want to think about putting some Sham-Wow towels under you arms in emergency situations.

#2 Shave/Wax/Pluck those Pits PLEASE

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I know there isn’t a law mandating shaved armpits but I believe there totally should be especially during the summer in major cities. There is nothing worse than being on crammed subway car with no air conditioning where people are packed like sardines literally pressed cheek to cheek. On your left is some nasty dude whose breath is kickin’ on your right is a woman in a tank top grabbing the hand rail in front of you with her hairy and smelly armpit in your face. It is a recipe for instant insanity. I don’t care what anyone says hair+ armpits + sweat = RIPE FUNK.

# 1 Attack of the Short Shorts

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Daisy Dukes, Cootchie Cuters, whatever you want to call them short shorts are simply the most atrocious of fashion crimes. It carries with it a LIFE SENTENCE and in some states the death penalty. I know it is hot but I would choose a fun and flirty summer dress over shorts any day. Most people look awkward in them and they don’t flatter most body types. If you  insist on wearing shorts please try to find some that don’t reveal the parts that should only should be seen by private eyes.

If you avoid these 5 Fashion Sins then you are on your way to a most amazing fashion forward summer!

 

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